I felt feelings that I’d never felt before, not only not with Kal, but ever in my life. It was such a surreal feeling. How can you have spent so much time with a person before, yet only started to feel THIS feeling so far down the line? Before it was obsession, now it was love.
He stayed the night. Of course he stayed the bloody night! I don’t have to go into too much into detail as my Mother reads this but yeah, it was a good night. We didn’t sleep much. We spent the night talking about Andre and how excited we were to become parents. Christmas was just around the corner and it was to be our final Christmas before Andre. We had so much to look forward to and for the first time ever, I wasn’t sat there thinking ‘Oh my God, where do we go from here? What will happen next? Are we together or not? Will he walk out and that will be that?’ I didn’t question anything because I laid there in his arms and it just felt natural. No conversation needed to be had about all that. Somehow, I just knew that we were going to be ok. It was a good feeling.
He took me to work the next morning. I spent the day filled with joy!! I didn’t ever really explain to anyone at work the full details of me and Kal, apart from to my friend Gemma. She knew everything! She would instantly know when I walked through the door what kind of mood I was in or what kind of night I’d had. So that morning, she was the first one to sit me down and make me tell her what happened! She loved Kal! I mean, she thought he was a dick at times like all friends do, but she was the first one to tell me that she wanted things to work out. I did try to keep my love life really private at work as I worked in the city and there are a lot of Rhinos’ fans around. I didn’t want people who I didn’t know and trust, knowing about our private life.
Here’s an example of why I used to struggle to let people in (until this blog of course!). I’m jumping forward in time a bit here so please try to keep up! I had a really bad incident at work. Basically, I’d employed a girl after Andre was born and she tried to get close to me. I won’t name this girl or tell people who she is, I have no desire to name and shame anyone. Anyway, I remember this one particular time she had sat with me and Gemma and asked me questions about me, Kal and Andre. She was asking things like the length of time we had been together and how old Andre was etc, I was rather trusting and naively assumed that she was just interested, but it later emerged that she was working out dates. She went bragging to a few people on her team at work that she had slept with my man while I was pregnant.' To add to this, after a few drinks with her colleagues one night she started saying that I thought I was better than everyone. I assume this was because I was in a higher position at work having worked there quite a few years and working my arse off to climb the ladder!
Anyway, the story goes that she had messaged Kal on Twitter whilst we weren’t together and within an hour he was round at her house. She was bragging about this! I mean, am I missing something? Regardless of her thinking that this was some sort of accomplishment, each to their own, but as a woman, to go round and gloat that you've slept with someone's partner whist they were pregnant is just not on. It was a one night stand after an exchange of a few Twitter messages for God’s sake. Nice.
She was miraculously sick from work the next day having realized that I was actually a lot closer to the people that she’d been bragging to than she had thought. A few words were had and I've never seen her again.
Don’t get me wrong, it mustn’t have been easy to be in that position. For her to know that she had slept with the boyfriend of the person who had employed her, but a simple 'can I have a word with you because something is playing on my mind?’ would have done. She wasn’t to know that my pregnancy went undetected for so long and in that half the time me and Kal didn’t even speak to each other, let alone be in a relationship! I wasn't with Kal when that event happened so what she’d done didn’t bother me, but it was more the fact that she took pure satisfaction in thinking that I was actually with him. I’ll never understand why that made her feel good. I’d feel guilty!! But anyway, things like that are why I never opened up about mine and Kallum’s relationship unless I 100% trusted them. It isn't always easy dating someone in the spotlight.
That's all in the past now. Back to the magic …
Kal picked me up from work and we went back to mine. We did normal things that normal couples do!! Make dinner, watch TV and snuggle on the sofa. One huge thing for me was he left his phone lying around the house and I didn’t have the urge to look at it. That was a big indicator that things were better.
I broke up from work for Christmas and we spent every day together just chilling in the house and taking walks in the snow. Kal still had his house in Leeds but he rarely spent any time there. We did bicker from time to time, but over silly things like whose turn it was to watch their programme on TV. We didn’t put a label on our relationship this time. I was always so bothered about that before, but the more true feelings we shared, the less important it became. I guess because you both know that neither of you are going anywhere.
Kallum was going on a night out with the lads – the first one since the reconciliation. I didn’t feel nervous or worried in the slightest which was strange for me, because in the past when he had gone out, I had spent the whole night wide away tossing and turning wondering what he was doing – all because I didn’t trust him. I feel truly sorry for any woman or man that has to ever experience that feeling, it’s the worst feeling in the world. Of course, any woman needs reassurance from time to time, and complete trust takes a very long time to build, but it's worth all the hard work when you get there. Trust can be fixed if both of you are willing to work hard enough at it. I read so much bullshit that says once trust is gone, it's gone for good - that’s only true if the love has vanished with it. If the love is there, the trust will follow.
We decided to spend Christmas morning together in my house. We spent Christmas Eve all snuggled up watching Home Alone (Kallum’s ultimate fave film) and went to bed early. When we woke up Kal passed me a present. He was smiling from ear to ear. When I unwrapped it I jumped for joy. He had bought me a Kindle Fire and I had wanted one for ages! I love reading and writing and I wouldn’t have spent that much money on myself at that time, as I put everything I earned into the house and Andre.
I had thought long and hard about what to get Kal for Christmas. I didn’t have much money and it’s quite hard to buy for someone who could just buy whatever they wanted. When I came up with what to get him I sat and thought in depth about it. Was it the right gift? Would he like it? Giving him this was giving him my everything. It was letting him potentially destroy everything I had worked so hard for, not just physically, but mentally too. But it just felt right, it felt natural and I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this Kallum. This Kallum was so much different to the Kallum I had previously known. He was loving, caring and protecting. I passed him a small sparkly box. He slowly opened it and pulled out a freshly cut door key to my house with a keyring attached that said 'Best Daddy'. He looked at me while I whispered ‘Merry Christmas roommate’. We both cried.
(End of Part 7)