Realization.

Realization.

I came out of the ultrasound room clutching my scan photos in disbelief. All I could do was stare at the pictures of our baby and wonder how the hell I had carried him/her inside me for almost five months without knowing! I was told that I was too far along in my pregnancy to have the other tests that I was booked in for. I also found out that I’d missed the crucial vitamins that you’re supposed to take in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.

I sat in silence looking at my pictures. I tried to calculate in my head how much alcohol I’d consumed whilst carrying our unexpected child. I felt like I had failed at being a Mother before I had even begun. I was 20 years old, I was sharing a house just outside of Leeds with my friend, and I was falling out with my 'boyfriend' every other day. It was far from ideal. I had no stability and no real foundation. I didn’t even have one babygrow! I was so not prepared for this. But one thing I did have was a hell of a lot of love, encouragement and support from my family and friends.

Kal was waiting for a message from me. He was in South Africa wondering what the hell was going on and I was in Leeds St James Hospital, full of mixed emotions, holding a scan picture of our almost five month old child! My stomach was full of butterflies, obviously because I had just found out that I was going to be a Mum. I mean, I had known I was pregnant for a few weeks, but in that split second of seeing our baby on the screen for the first time, it all became real. I had gone from just thinking of myself as being pregnant, to thinking of myself as an expectant mother. An expectant mother with no idea what to do.

I took a picture of the scan and sent it to Kal. I wasn't half as nervous as the time I had text him to tell him I was pregnant, but I still didn’t feel at ease. He read the message and he couldn’t believe it! Within two minutes, he told me that he was over the moon and that we would speak about things when he returned home. Well at least one of us was sure about how we felt!

So then comes telling everyone else. I hadn’t even met Kallum’s Mum yet! I hadn't met her, yet I was carrying her five month old grandchild. I had sat next to Kallum's Dad before at a few games. He actually tells me now that he saw my little bump and had known I was pregnant! Kallum told his brother first, but said not to tell their Mum yet. I could tell he was terrified to tell his parents. I was I when I had to face my Mum. But at least my Mum had met Kallum and already liked him, and she had been aware of how I’d been feeling for weeks. This was going to be much harder.

By the time Kal told his Mum himself, the news had already travelled back to her anyway. She was understandably hurt and upset. She was certainly not best pleased given the circumstances, but she was very understanding and was kind enough to invite me over to her house with Kal to have a chat about things and talk through our plans going forward. She welcomed me in with open arms and straight away I knew that Kal had been raised well. She's a strong independent woman who loved and wanted the best for her kids. As a Mum, can you imagine your son rocking up at home with some random girl you’ve never even met, who happened to be five months pregnant?! I’d have lost my shit, I won’t lie. But she didn’t. She wanted to get to know me and she wanted to get to know her grandchild. I love Kallum’s Mum and I always will admire and respect her for the way she handled that whole situation.

We had booked in for the 20 week scan. I wasn’t bothered about finding out the gender of the baby as I was still getting used to the whole pregnancy thing, but Kallum wanted to. He'd already picked out a name for baby if it was a boy. The lease on my house share was coming to an end around the same time. I had mentioned to Kal about moving back home but he insisted that I came and stayed with him. He came and collected me and all my things and I had moved in with him within a matter of days.

The scan day came around and we were sat in the waiting room staring at each other. I felt incredibly nervous. I was nervous for Kal to see our baby for the first time, but I was more nervous to find out whether everything was healthy and ok, particularly because the pregnancy had gone undetected for so long! We were called through and I lay on the bed feeling sick to my stomach. I was riddled with nerves. The scan took place and Kal was smiling from ear to ear with excitement. After a few minutes of silence as she checked the baby's measurements and developments, I was relieved to find out that our baby looked all healthy and happy. HE was due on April the 4th 2013. Yep, we were having a boy.

Kal was so happy and from that second, he on referred to him as 'Andre'. I wasn’t keen on the name (I love it now, don’t worry) but I did love how enthusiastic he was about it and felt very happy that he was already so involved. Some men would have dropped their girlfriends in the circumstances. I was lucky in that respect. After the scan, he took me to Nando’s followed by baby shopping to buy little boy clothes. The whole situation just felt surreal. I was baby shopping with the man I was obsessed with, for our five month old son, holding hands through town and being shown off like he was proud of me. Kal was looking and acting the happiest I’d ever seen him. I should have been over the moon, but something just didn’t feel quite right for me.

I felt lonely. I felt so alone, even though I was living in a home with my boyfriend that I was obsessed with, carrying our baby. I didn’t have any friends around. Jen was now further away and neither of us had a car at this point. My life consisted of work, being pregnant and Kal. His life, however, consisted of rugby. When he eventually came home after training, the gym, FIFA nights with the boys etc, we would speak a little while, but then go straight up to bed. I knew he was just settling with this set-up, but I wasn’t prepared to do that. It felt forced. Let's face it, if this baby wasn’t in my tummy we maybe wouldn’t have even been together. And we certainly wouldn’t be living together! I felt like a burden on Kal, like I was in the way. I also knew that in the past, other girls had been to this house and had slept in his bed. It just didn’t feel like my home. It wasn’t somewhere I wanted to raise our child.

The end of the rugby season came, which means endless nights out with the boys. At 21 years old, what else did I expect from him? He would go out and not come home. Sometimes he’d be ringing me at 6am, laughing with all the boys, music on full blast, whilst I was on my way to work. Kallum loved our baby boy, but I could tell he didn’t love me.

 

So, I left.

 

(End of Part Four)