I was such a coward when it came to telling Kal the news. I was scared. I was scared of his reaction, I was scared of what he would say, and most of all, I was scared of being alone. So I decided to let the weekend pass and tell him on the Monday. But Monday came around quickly.
I text him! TEXT!! I text him to tell him the biggest news of his life - how bad is that?! I am actually ashamed that I didn't have the balls to knock on his door and tell him to his face. But it wasn’t that easy.
I locked myself in a toilet cubicle at work and did another test, just to be 100% sure. Once again, the two big red lines stared me in the face. I’m not sure why I dealt with it this way, but I decided to take a picture of the test. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in and sent the photo to Kal. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. At that moment, I just wanted to smash my phone into a million pieces and go into hibernation forever, that way, maybe all my problems would go away too? I didn’t want to face this at all.
I sat there thinking of a million and one replies he could have sent. A million and one made up scenarios of how this may pan out. I sat there in silence, alone, scared and feeling sick to my stomach. I was wondering if Kal felt the same when he opened the message. Would he hate me? Would he tell me what he wanted me to do? Would he say he never wanted to see me again? I just didn’t know. I guess you never really know how someone is going to react to something so big. I thought I would have handled the situation better than I did, but I didn’t! I was shit about it. It’s always different when it happens to you.
He read the message! I saw the read receipt and my heart literally dropped down to my toes. That one minute he took to reply felt like the longest minute of my whole life! “Wow” is what I got back, followed by “how are you feeling?” … I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting him to say, but I felt relieved all of a sudden. A massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
How was I feeling?? I wasn’t sure. But I was honest with him and I told him that I didn't know what I wanted and that I needed to think about my options. At the end of the day, we weren't in a good situation. We were barely on talking terms anymore. I didn’t want a broken family before we had even begun. My own Dad wasn't / isn't around and although my Mum has done an amazing job, I didn’t want that. I wanted to give my future children a strong and happy family. Kal respected my wishes and assured me I had his support. I felt very thankful for that and I immediately felt so much stronger. Kal told me over and over again that no matter what happened, he would respect and support my decision.
I attended the pre-arranged Doctors’ appointment alone, I wanted to! He confirmed that I was pregnant. That answered all my questions as to why I was ill in the first place. I told the Doctor the truth, that now reality had hit, I didn’t know if I was ready to be a mother. I was 20 years old for God’s sake!
The Doctor booked me in to see a Midwife. He told me that she would work out my dates and would give me advice and help me decide what was best. I also told the Doctor that I had previously done a test which came back negative. He explained that all women are different and my HCG levels could have been too low to produce a positive on a test. I was shocked to think that when I took the negative test, I could have potentially already been pregnant.
It took a few weeks for my next appointment to come around. Kallum and I had seen each other a few times, just the usual stuff really, watching DVD's, ordering takeaways and sleeping together (I mean - the damage was already done.) We were acting like the pair of kids we were and totally not addressing what was actually going on.
Kal came with me for the next appointment, he was about to go on tour with England and luckily the appointment came before he left. The Midwife couldn’t help much date-wise as I hadn't missed a period. I had always been on the mini pill so I hadn't had periods for a few years anyway. She laid me down and felt my tummy, guessing that I was a few weeks’ pregnant. It was a very short appointment. I was told to await a scan appointment in the post.
The day of the scan came a few weeks later, but unfortunately, Kallum was away with England in South Africa. I couldn't miss it though. I couldn’t let any more time pass as it had already been a good few weeks since we found out I was pregnant after attending the various appointments. My Mum had agreed to come with me for moral support. I was still feeling very lost. In my heart and head, I still wasn’t 100% sure what I wanted to do.
Kal had messaged me non-stop while he was away, checking I was OK and if I needed anything. Mum and I entered the room. I was so nervous!! I remember going all cold and shaking because I knew this was a make-or-break moment for me and Kal, our future potentially lied in the hands of the ultrasound technician.
The lady was lovely, I remember that much. She was very calming and made me feel relaxed. She explained that the gel on my tummy would be cold and that during my scan, I could have a look if I wanted to. She explained that the baby probably wouldn’t be very big, but that she could outline it for me so I could see exactly where the baby was.
She pressed hard. All I could do was look at my Mum, examining her expressions. The technician was quiet for a long time. The room was quiet, I was quiet and my mum was quiet. I was scrutinizing the lady’s facial expressions to see if I could make out what she was thinking. Something wasn’t right. She turned to me, held my hand, smiled and said “well, it’s a little bigger than we all expected”.
I needed to see!! Mum and I waited anxiously for her to turn the screen. Within a split second I saw a baby. Not a spec, not a blob, not a little kidney bean – A BABY. My baby, I mean our baby.
18 weeks plus 5 days exactly. Almost five months pregnant. That was it, it was fate, the decision was made for me. I was 100% going to be a Mum. Kallum Watkins was 100% going to be a Dad. But he was half way across the world … he had no idea!
(End of Part Three)