I just wanted to start by saying SORRY SORRY SORRY! For being so shit the past two weeks. My new blog starts a week today, and I'm so excited about it, so hopefully you will forgive me, and that will make up for it! Over a thousand views on my intro vlog, so thank you to everyone who viewed it, and sent me nice messages. I cringed like hell afterwards. I'm not sure if vlogging is my thing, so I'll try again on the new subject, and if not we will stick to the writing.
Anyway I hope you enjoy Part 11 - Motherhood.
My C-Section recovery wasn’t easy. Taking care of a newborn baby after surgery wasn’t what I'd prepared for, but with the help of Kal and our families, we managed. Kal and I tried and tested many routines, until we found one that worked for us. I would do the night shifts, and he would let me sleep for a few hours after training. This worked really well, and we had Andre in a set routine in no time.
My hormones were horrendous. I was so emotional constantly, about everything. I don’t think you realise just how much your body shape changes, until a few weeks after having a baby. My boobs and bum were covered in stretch marks, and I remember being so upset about it. I just didn’t feel like myself. I was in the shower and Kal walked in, and I didn’t even want Kal to see my huge, milky, saggy, stretch mark tits! I hid them away always. They looked like golf balls in socks, and if they made me feel that sick, I certainly didn’t want my boyfriend to see! Kal made a passing comment about a mark on my bum, and I was literally rolling around on the floor in hysterics, like someone had died. He asked what the hell was wrong with me, and I think I came out with something along the lines of: "You just said that I'm a fat ugly piece of shit, and my arse is disgusting." He said nothing of the sort, I was just fucking crazy!
Kal dealt with me well, actually. He had a little giggle to himself about the complete and utter bullshit that I had just come out with, and instead offered me a cuddle. That is all you need when you feel like that. I was so insecure and unhappy with how I felt and looked. I was terrified he would jump ship, but he was the most loving and caring to me that he'd ever been. He looked after the both of us really well, and had strolled straight into his new role of 'Dada' and aced it! I love a hands-on dad. He's not hands-on around the house, but changing a nappy and sterilising a bottle, he was great at. I breastfed for a while, and then I started to express my milk and bottle feed, because I found it so hard for Andre to latch on. I wish I had persevered more, but at the time it seems impossible.
Funny story: I remember going to Nando's with Kal, Andre, Zak, and my brother. We sat waiting for the food, and I said I'm just going to get some milk. Off I went to the toilet with my bottle and breast pump in hand, and I sat down and pumped away for five minutes. When I returned Zak was baffled. He asked me how the hell I'd got to the shop and back so quick, and was inspecting the milk. His face when I told him that it came from my boobs was a picture I'll never forget. He practically threw the bottle at my head!
Kal was straight back to work, so I was alone with Andre most of the time. When I was OK to drive, I took him to go and see my friend. He screamed his head off in the back of the car all the way from Leeds to Pontefract. I must have stopped seven times to see what was wrong: his nappy was fine, he wasn’t hungry and he didn’t have wind. So what the hell was wrong? I tried singing and playing music, but nothing worked. The traffic was horrendous. I hadn't slept all night, and I was still so hormonal from being a new mum. I cried. I cried more than Andre, the whole way home. Once I reached the house, I took Andre straight in and upstairs to Kal. I literally handed Andre straight over, tears running down both of our faces, and wailed that I wanted to be alone. I sat back in my car, and rang Jen. I must have cried, screamed, and balled down the phone for ten minutes, for her to reassure me that I was doing just fine, and it was all part of being a new mum. After the conversation, I sat there alone, filled with guilt, and I just needed to cuddle Andre. I went back in, and we all cuddled in bed. It stands out to me as a mummy bipolar moment - one second I wanted to be alone, and the next I needed my boys. Not many people like to talk about the breakdown moments, but I had a few in the first few weeks, so I think it's important and truthful to mention. I really hope all new mums have a Jen friend. With me being so young, none of my other friends had babies, so it was hard for them to relate to most things, and it's also hard to explain from a mum's point of view. It was really nice to have her there to make me feel normal, and now I try and be a 'Jen' to my friends that have kids.
Apart from my saggy body and bipolar breakdowns, I was so so so in love with this little human. I kissed his face 68790 times a day, it really is an indescribable love, so different to anything else you can ever feel. I loved being a mum, and even the new challenges we had to face. I think, still to this day, that it’s the most difficult but rewarding job in the world. My friend rang me the other day actually. She has two babies, and one being brand new, I asked how her and her fiance were doing, and she replied "you can see why people break up, can't you?" We both had a long giggle, and a slagging-our-hubbies-off session - just what we needed! Nothing can prepare you for motherhood, but once you're in it, everyone finds their own way about things, whether it's blending up vegetables and drinking avocado, to making chicken nugget teas and feeding them a Frube (I'm such a Jeremy Kyle mum). There's no right or wrong way, you just find the best way for you. Motherhood changed me as a person instantly, it's like you see the world through a fresh pair of eyes. You look and feel much differently about situations.
International season came, and with that Kal went off to play in the World Cup for England. I had booked in to see a surgeon about my boobs, and we booked our first family holiday to Mexico. I thought all would be plain sailing from here, but little did I know, this was just the start of some underlying problems.
End of part 11.