Pregnancy and life.
So I really thought my first blog post back would be all happy go lucky, how wrong could I be?
We started trying to conceive before we got married last year. I became obsessed with ovulation sticks and working out my menstrual cycle. I used an ap called Ovia to track my periods, monitor when I was ovulating and mark down when we had done ‘the deed’. I really thought I would fall pregnant straight away, and after a few negative tests, I felt really down. I started questioning if this was the ‘right time’. Really, when is the right time? My friend Lucie use to say to me “If you wait for the right time, you will be waiting forever” she was so right.
I was attending a wedding in Tenerife in October and thought fuck it, let's relax and have a break from actively trying to conceive a child, I was going to let my hair down and have a good time! I waited for my period to come at the end of October, and it didn't. We were pregnant!! I really think the more pressure you put on yourself, the harder it is to conceive. I had heard horror stories of women that had been trying for years, and it just hadn’t happened. It broke my heart for these women, and for some reason I was having nightmares that that was going to be me.
I feel so lucky to be able to conceive and carry a child, because I know some women literally have to move mountains, and spend thousands to be able to do so. I know women who would rob a bank to be able to get a positive sign on a pregnancy test!
Lately, despite my pregnancy joy, I just haven't been feeling myself. I don’t know if it's my hormones, or the start of postnatal depression, but i am going to speak honestly about how I feel right now, in chance that it will make someone else feel less ashamed and embarrassed. I feel completely different to my pregnancy with Andre, I feel like I should've felt more like this with his pregnancy, as my whole life was falling apart at one point. I know i didn’t find out til late on with Andre, but despite what life threw at me, and going through most of that scary time so young and alone- I was happy enough.
I am a sufferer of anxiety. I have said that aloud before, but I have never written it down. It looks scary actually. I have had anxiety attacks so bad, that I have ended up in A&E convinced I was dying. I can now control it a little better, but right now my anxiety is bad. I feel like i’m suffocating and drowning at times, and I just really don’t know how to make it better. It comes in waves too, and doesn’t have a certain trigger. For months i'll be fine, and then BOOM, it just hits me and I will suffer for weeks. The main symptom for me is I just feel like I can’t breathe, and then I concentrate on my breathing and it makes it even worse.
I really never thought I would blog about something so doom and gloom, but I am feeling this right now. Me and Kal had an argument, and I just took myself off to bed and started writing all of this down, I'll probably regret it tomorrow. I wasn’t even planning on blogging again anytime soon, but this actually feels like therapy for me. Yesterday I decided to take a break from social media and my phone. My phone is in aeroplane mode and its staying like that for a week at least. I feel like so much of my time is spent on my phone, reading the news, on social media and talking to friends, and I just need a break from that too. It’s not even real life! I do like to ensure I am there for all my friends in their time of needs, and in December quite a few of my family and friends were in meltdown mode. I was so focused on trying to give others the best of my time and advice, and I kind of masked and tried to forget just how shit I was feeling too.
When my anxiety strikes I think so much about the past and future, it actually haunts me. I overthink situations instead of positively trying to change them, so that’s what I am trying to do right now. So any friends that think I have died over the past 24 hours, I’m still here, i’m just not the best version of me right now, and I just feel so down over nothing. We are trying to change Andre’s sleeping habits, he doesn't sleep through and we are all up 3,4,5,6 times every night. We are trying our hardest to change this, and have even changed our bedroom in a hope that things will get better. We are all shattered and Andre had a little wobble at school today too, so that upset me. He is going through a really difficult phase at the moment, and I think it's just taken me by surprise, he is almost four and I kind of thought we had got through this. I am putting it down to us trying to get him to sleep through, and as we keep putting him back in his own bed, none of us are getting much sleep.
My Husband is always supportive of me, we argue from time to time, mainly about parenting choices or my hormones haha, I am sure if you're also married with kids you will understand. I think I may of mentioned in another blog that when my friend Lucie had her littlest baby, I asked how her and her Fiance were and she said “you can see why people break up with new kids can’t you” and we couldn’t stop laughing. My friend Morgan was saying the other day that she thinks communication with your husband is the key to a successful parenting relationship, and it so is!! If you don’t communicate properly then you're fucked basically. This is another great thing about my new phone ban that i’m testing, last night I actually got in bed and had like a full half an hour conversation before sleep with Kal! I usually lay and look on Pinterest, and Kal watches stuff on Youtube, but we actually just laid talking and enjoying each other with no distractions. Of Course my aeroplane mode phone ban isn’t going to last forever, but I want it to last while I am not feeling right in myself, so I can focus on other things that are more important than who’s had a banging weekend on Facebook, or who's got a new car on Instagram, because really that doesn't affect my life. I will also encourage one of my best friends, who shall not be named for embarrassment purposes, who began to argue with Cheryl Cole fans on a Facebook post, when she doesn’t really like Cheryl Cole hahaah- sorry babes!
So basically the thing that's making me happiest at the moment is my family, and this little bit of magic kicking inside my tummy. This week I will be focusing my time on planning a beautiful nursery, reading my new books ‘unmumsy mum’ and ‘Sam Fairs my baby and me’ and trying not to be so negative. I am OK, i'm just not OK in myself at this minute, but I will be soon. I hope I may encourage people to speak out about how they are feeling, and not break down like I did yesterday and today. I already feel better writing this, so if you're reading then Thank You! Feel free to share this, as this post might make another Mum feel normal. I am happily Married, i’m having a healthy pregnancy, my child is wonderful, my family and friends are supportive, but i’m just not happy in myself right now, and that’s OK, because you can’t be all song and dance all of the time!
I am going on my Secret Life account to just post this blog update, so please send me an email if you want to contact, as I won't be looking at any comments or DM messages until i’m ready to face the world again ha. Right now, I will just enjoy my Bridget Jones moment of wrapping myself in my quilt and crying for no reason!